On the plane on my way to L.A. By myself, no Genieboy this time. I keep wanting to blame things on him but he’s not here – it’s very confusing.
Does anyone pay attention to the airplane safety video? I don’t. I’m too busy marking out territory, guarding my overhead bin like a junkyard dog. Flying is war. You’ve searched hours to find the flight with the seats at the front of the plane the way you like and then some nitwit stops the whole line of passengers, on his way back to his seat in Siberia next to the lavatories, trying to cram a duffel bag the size of a small Toyota onto your camera and laptop, determined to force the bin door closed even if it means busting the hinge.
Not gonna happen. Not on my watch.
So I don’t see the safety video because I have much more important things to pay attention to. If the plane goes down I’ll have to figure out at that point which exits have the sliding boards and which part of the seat is a flotation device.
The in-flight radio volume on this plane appears to have have only two settings: “Whisper” or “Hostage-Crisis-Bullhorn.” Good thing I brought my Ipad.
I also brought my laptop which is plugged into the AC outlet below the seat, and my “phablet” (my latest gadget, a Note2) which is plugged into the lady-in-the-seat-next-to-me’s outlet. She brought no electronic devices – just a crossword puzzle, a magazine, and a trash bag full of bags of chips. She’s bulging right over our armrest and down into my lap. She and I are sharing my seat. Poor woman almost lost it during takeoff, white-lipped and sweaty, gripping both armrests, moaning and breathing so deliberately I was afraid she might give birth.
Across the aisle is a World Wrestling Federation celebrity. I’ve seen him on TV! Screaming at me on those ads for “Raw” before I could rush and find the remote to turn him off. He is HUGE in real life! An airbus of a man. Kind of sexy in a scary gigantic kind of way. Until he took off his shoes and two behemothic feet crawled up the bulkhead wall. SASQUATCH FEET! Sasquatch is on our plane AUGHGH!
[SEVERAL HOURS LATER]
Hotel seems nice so far – staff has been friendly and responsive. This is a Sheraton, a 2 minute drive from LAX which you could easily walk if you didn’t insist on bringing 14 changes of clothes, 14 changes of nail polish, enough jewelry to open a pawn shop, camera equipment, laptop equipment, Ipad, boomboxes, and your electric blanket. Dumpkoff why are you so high maintenance?
The Sheraton shuttle (free) pulled up the second I walked out of baggage claim and who should come exploding out the door to help me lug my overstuffed drunken blob of a suitcase up the steps into the van but AnnaJeff Fraunhoffer! What a nice surprise to have dancers appear out of nowhere in cities around the world, to help you with your luggage. AnnaJeff had just boarded the shuttle at the stop before mine, after waiting 45 minutes for it to arrive. Sounds like I was lucky!
Ernie Halter is here! AUGHGHGH! He’s so GOOD! If Ernie Halter is downstairs why am I upstairs? That’s dumb I’m going down this minute.